The Bully's Pulpit
Five Decades of Chess Intimidation
By Gary "The Chess Bully" Newsom
Last week you were lectured by Peter Giannatos on how to react to playing children at chess. That you should leave your ego at home. Overlook their fidgety mannerisms. Don't be intimidated to lose to them. All that kind of happy horse patootie. Well let's be real. Peter is a CHESS INSTRUCTOR. He gets PAID to work with children. He HAS TO cultivate and maintain such an attitude. (to be fair...it's genuine and he's good at it....but humor me here, OK?) On the other hand.....I don't have to have any kind of attitude. And as a guy who has been in the trenches for years, I will now tell it like it really is. Out there. In the real world.
Let's narrow this thing down. For the purpose of this piece we should certainly exclude teenagers. It's no secret that some teenagers have played great chess for years. I can certainly witness to that. And of course we have scores of famous examples such as Bobby Fischer winning the US Championship at 13. But that's not what we are talking about today. This is about children, which for the purpose of this article, we will define as "no larger than my right leg"
In the past there were a precious few children who showed great talent at chess. They say Sammy Reshevsky was playing simuls vs strong adults at age 8. Magnus Carlson was a GM at 13. We could
Reshevsky embarrassing old guys with beards circa 1919
go on and on. By the way, did you know that North Carolina has a small place in the annals of chess history when it comes to young brilliance? For a short period of time, the record for the youngest player ever to beat a GM at a regulation (long) time control was in 1999 when Hikaru Nakamura, at age 11 years 2 months, defeated GM Alex Stipunsky (2589). The venue? Why it was Asheville, North Carolina. Land of the Sky. Round 1.
Chess used to be mostly for adult males. It was almost like a "boys club" back in the 70's with cigar smoke wafting through the tournament room and nary a child in sight. You could almost picture scantily clad "cigarette girls" walking through the tournament hall. (Hey that might be an idea....Walter High, please take note of this for your upcoming 21 and up event...) If some mother hen decided to nurture junior's budding interest in the game, one trip to the chess club would have her pulling him out by his ear and taking him back to the little league baseball field. Where he belonged.
But sometime in the 90's you could see it coming a bit. There were a few more kids around at the club and in the tournaments. It built up further in the early 2000's and now we have been hit with a tidal wave. The boys club atmosphere of the 1970's has given way to the Mickey Mouse club. Outside the tournament room feels more like school recess than a chess tournament. Blue boards and cheap plastic chess sets have replaced traditional green and buff with carved wood (or maybe one of those Drueke Player Choice sets...they don't make 'em like that anymore...aahh the good old days...)
So what's it really like as a middle aged guy in a kids world? What advice can I give on how to approach the issue of doing battle with a munchkin? Glad you asked. I am happy to share some rules and observations.
1) Try to play kids in the morning. I know. If you are not the TD, this one is hard to pull off, but if you have a TD buddy that owes you a favor or is susceptible to a bribe, get 'em early in the day. They have been up all night playing whatever is the latest and greatest in the world of gaming. They arrive at the board tired and lethargic. Take advantage of them. I much prefer that to playing them in the evening round, when they are just getting revved up and I am ready for a cocktail and a nap.
2) Play slow. Both in minutes and in board action. They get bored easily. They know the Dragon Siclian (why do they all play the Dragon?) and double e pawn gambits. Don't sacrifice and by all means don't let them go into some Double Fried Liver with Traxler Gravy Gambit. If you do, you are toast.
3) Look menacing. Yeah I said it. It's a battle and it's up to you to win it. Channel your inner Gary Busey. You should do your best to give the impression you are dangerous and slightly unhinged.
4) The endgame is your friend. This is similar to number two, but it deserves it's own entry. I have won countless slop crap games in which I was totally lost but managed to swing things to a rook and pawn endgame. Little buggers are helpless....
However, not everything can be boiled down to a few rules. I have, as you know, been in the trenches and as such have much practical experience. Next time I will share a couple of stories about how to put all this into practice. Sometimes it succeeds, sometimes it fails. I'll give you both sides of the story. Hopefully you guys can leave with more success, which feels something like this:
Face it guys...no use being politically correct. That's what we're going for here....
But for now I will leave you with these three things. To all you fellow old guys out there I hope this has been helpful. You are not alone. And it's OK to be bitter no matter that a professional chess coach and common human decency might suggest otherwise. To all the children who might be reading, remember I am dangerous and slightly unhinged. Oh, and to all you chess parents, I wasn't talking about your little angel. Good night.
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